Sunday, 22 May 2011


As there has been no response from crappy, rubbish venue I've been getting a bit antsy.  Especially as H2B has gone over to the dark side.  I don't mean that he's dressed as Darth Vader or doing heavy breathing ( well there was a bit of that, but as this is not that type of blog, we'll move swiftly on).  He's stomping about darkly muttering about there being no wedding.  Dark muttering is normally my territory, so I'm a bit lost on what to do when my role is usurped.  I can't possibly be rational can I?  So I've been employing distraction techniques. 

So far today I've taken my jewellery out and looked at it.  I actually found a necklace I'd forgotten I had so I'm quite pleased.  Where did phantom necklace come from anyway?  I don't remember it!  Did two of my other necklaces breed and create this one?  I tried on my tiara.  Not a great look with my tracky bottoms, bra and uncombed hair.  I think it's a look that will rock the bridal world.  This time next year all the brides will be doing it!

 I had a little cry, then a bigger one, when I realised I'd cried off all the pricey moisturiser I'd applied 2 minutes before I burst into tears for no apparent reason.  Then I turned into a giant termite and ate the contents of the kitchen.  That'll help with the wedding dress doing up then.  Back onto the diet and into the gym tomorrow.  Sigh.

I was trying to distract myself by convincing myself I wanted a dress for the night do bit, but the ladies who post with me on a forum for other mental brides (It's the only place where they understand dammit!!) have persuaded me to spend the money elsewhere.  Curse them and their sensible advice!!  So instead I purchased 3 pairs of earrings.  I needed them.  Really.  I couldn't decide.  I can't possibly know til I try it with my dress, so I needed all 3.  What if I only bought one pair and discovered they clashed?

Now that I can't eat any more food (there's only fruit left) and I can't spend any more money (don't have any) I'm comforting myself with ways I can mess it up if it all goes ahead.

1.  I could fall going down the aisle.  Not so far-fetched.  During my graduation, I was first of my course up on the stage.  That's not because I had the best mark, but because my name came first alphabetically.  I cleverly managed to lose my shoe and stumbled while I was climbing the stairs.  I'm assured that nobody noticed.  I think they'd notice if it was my wedding.  I'd probably take my dad with me and break his hip.  My wedding would go down in history as the wedding where the bride crushed her father!!

2.  Oooh this is bad.  I could let a massive loud fart slip out during the ceremony.    Again with the form.  I am ashamed to admit that I did the first trump of our relationship.  It just slipped out.  I got tired of waiting for  for my future husband who was then my boyfriend to leave so I could let the trapped gas out.  H2B would find it hilarious - but he's very much of the opinion that farts are funny.  I'm not sure my mum would be impressed though, and I'd turn a bright beetroot shade.  Oh the shame!!

3. I think I might spill my dinner down my dress.  This is based on previous form too.  I once went to a very posh work event, as the date of a friend.  This event involved wearing a ballgown and being a bit posh.  As soon as the meal was served I managed to drop my fork, splattering the front of my dress with gravy.  I had to stay like that all night.  Thankfully it was a financial services event so everyone in attendance was too drunk on the free bar/coked up to notice.  The dress was ruined.  Thankfully I wasn't overly keen on it anyway.  I don't think the friend who advised me to buy it had my best interests at heart.

I can think of thousands more but I think I've had enough humiliation for now. 

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