Tuesday, 14 August 2012

The Evil Meerkat part 1

Mr Mental has a friend.  Well he has a few friends.  But just one that I actively hate.  We'll call her Alex.  Not because that is her real name, although it's the same length and also it has an a and an e in it.  We'll call her Alex because she looks like Alexsandr, the meerkat.  Its her pointy teeth.  Despite this she's still taller, thinner and prettier than me.  And she fancies Mr Mental.  No, really.  She's all over him like a rash.  I think he might also fancy her a little bit.  Apparently, when they used to work together, she told him and another guy that she fancied one of them but wouldn't say who.

Now, I'll admit to being a bit jealous.  But...there's a barmoter of crazy.  Really.  There is.  When it comes to crazy jealous, I am on the lower end of the spectrum.  Another of his female friends has sexy danced for him and had her legs wrapped around his neck at a recent wedding we attended  I thought it was funny because she didn't mean it as anything other than a joke.   Alex means it.

She has never voluntarily uttered more than about 6 words to me.  She acts like I don't exist while saying filthy things thinly disguised as jokes to my husband.  If I try to talk to her (not that I want to, its just that I'm not a rude husband stealing bitch) she cuts me dead.  I made the mistake of telling Mr Mental that I don't like her.  I stupidly thought he might back me up but he just claimed that she is shy.  I refer you to the top paragraph and what she said to Mr Mental and his colleague.  Shy girls do not do that!!  Also, I'm shy, but still make a fucking effort with people.

Anyway, since then, Mr Mental has seen her alone.  And I hate it.  Can I ask him not to?  Well I could, but as Mr Mental didn't get jealous when my aussie friend stayed in my flat with me and we went drinking every night, I don't have a leg to stand on.  Clever, clever Mr Mental.  So I can't pull rank and say no because then he'll think he trusts me more than I trust him.  It's not that I don't trust him, but I know girls like her.  Hell, I used to be a girl like her (minus the intended husband stealing) and I know her intentions aren't pure.  And men are stupid.

The point of this?  He's started meeting her for lunchtime walks.  And he's going out with her on Friday.  I'm at a hen night and wont return home that evening and my mentalism has hit an all time high.  He's all upset at the thought that work might send him to London and he wont get to hang out with her.  At this point I'm hoping he does have to go.  In fact, I would happily pay his airfare.

Anyone know a hitman?

Saturday, 4 August 2012

Football Manager

I think I've touched upon mental husband's love affair with football manager before. When he plays he loses all track of time.  He gets involved to the exclusion of everything else.  And he genuinely seems to believe that he's actually in charge of Manchester United.  There's a Jason Manford routine about putting on a suit for cup finals and while he doesn't go that far, I do believe he used to do the press conferences -before they were built into the game.  I used to joke about putting the game in the wedding car with a veil on.

But that was before.  I made the hideous mistake of buying him  3DS for Christmas.  Not only did he not pay any more attention to me than when he was playing FM, he insisted on playing in the same room.  So not only was he playing constantly, he also insisted on having the remote control.  So there'd be him playing fake football on his DS, football or Sky Sports news on tv all the time and he'd comment on anything I had to eat, or moan if I asked to watch something that didn't have a ball in it!

He's rediscovered FM again and I breathe a massive sigh of relief.  FM involves him being upstairs.  In the second bedroom I insisted upon so that he could have a mancave, and I can have peace to watch trash tv.  At the moment I have a deep love for "Man vs Food" and "I didn't know I was pregnant".  I can happily watch these for ages, sprawled on the couch eating bad stuff.  Yay for Football Manager and peace!!