Tuesday, 14 August 2012

The Evil Meerkat part 1

Mr Mental has a friend.  Well he has a few friends.  But just one that I actively hate.  We'll call her Alex.  Not because that is her real name, although it's the same length and also it has an a and an e in it.  We'll call her Alex because she looks like Alexsandr, the meerkat.  Its her pointy teeth.  Despite this she's still taller, thinner and prettier than me.  And she fancies Mr Mental.  No, really.  She's all over him like a rash.  I think he might also fancy her a little bit.  Apparently, when they used to work together, she told him and another guy that she fancied one of them but wouldn't say who.

Now, I'll admit to being a bit jealous.  But...there's a barmoter of crazy.  Really.  There is.  When it comes to crazy jealous, I am on the lower end of the spectrum.  Another of his female friends has sexy danced for him and had her legs wrapped around his neck at a recent wedding we attended  I thought it was funny because she didn't mean it as anything other than a joke.   Alex means it.

She has never voluntarily uttered more than about 6 words to me.  She acts like I don't exist while saying filthy things thinly disguised as jokes to my husband.  If I try to talk to her (not that I want to, its just that I'm not a rude husband stealing bitch) she cuts me dead.  I made the mistake of telling Mr Mental that I don't like her.  I stupidly thought he might back me up but he just claimed that she is shy.  I refer you to the top paragraph and what she said to Mr Mental and his colleague.  Shy girls do not do that!!  Also, I'm shy, but still make a fucking effort with people.

Anyway, since then, Mr Mental has seen her alone.  And I hate it.  Can I ask him not to?  Well I could, but as Mr Mental didn't get jealous when my aussie friend stayed in my flat with me and we went drinking every night, I don't have a leg to stand on.  Clever, clever Mr Mental.  So I can't pull rank and say no because then he'll think he trusts me more than I trust him.  It's not that I don't trust him, but I know girls like her.  Hell, I used to be a girl like her (minus the intended husband stealing) and I know her intentions aren't pure.  And men are stupid.

The point of this?  He's started meeting her for lunchtime walks.  And he's going out with her on Friday.  I'm at a hen night and wont return home that evening and my mentalism has hit an all time high.  He's all upset at the thought that work might send him to London and he wont get to hang out with her.  At this point I'm hoping he does have to go.  In fact, I would happily pay his airfare.

Anyone know a hitman?

Saturday, 4 August 2012

Football Manager

I think I've touched upon mental husband's love affair with football manager before. When he plays he loses all track of time.  He gets involved to the exclusion of everything else.  And he genuinely seems to believe that he's actually in charge of Manchester United.  There's a Jason Manford routine about putting on a suit for cup finals and while he doesn't go that far, I do believe he used to do the press conferences -before they were built into the game.  I used to joke about putting the game in the wedding car with a veil on.

But that was before.  I made the hideous mistake of buying him  3DS for Christmas.  Not only did he not pay any more attention to me than when he was playing FM, he insisted on playing in the same room.  So not only was he playing constantly, he also insisted on having the remote control.  So there'd be him playing fake football on his DS, football or Sky Sports news on tv all the time and he'd comment on anything I had to eat, or moan if I asked to watch something that didn't have a ball in it!

He's rediscovered FM again and I breathe a massive sigh of relief.  FM involves him being upstairs.  In the second bedroom I insisted upon so that he could have a mancave, and I can have peace to watch trash tv.  At the moment I have a deep love for "Man vs Food" and "I didn't know I was pregnant".  I can happily watch these for ages, sprawled on the couch eating bad stuff.  Yay for Football Manager and peace!!

Friday, 27 July 2012

the return

Sooo, I started the new weight loss blog in the hope it would encourage me to lose those post wedding pounds.  Sadly, attempting to lose weight is dull and blogging about my fruitless attempts proved beyond me.  After several reoccurrences of the dreaded shin splints, and all the falling off the wagon into a pile of cake, its back to being mental here.

To catch you up, work remains a disaster of epic proportions, in which I repeatedly picture giant anvil balanced over the heads of my colleagues ready to drop on their heads when I cut the rope.  I'm still angry with my brother, especially as he went off and got married without inviting anyone except his kids and my parents.  Seems the " we are a family" crap he spouted before almost ruining my wedding with his tantrums, only applies to us, not him.

It's been almost a year since my own wedding, and if anyone else asks "How's married life?", I will scream.  There are only so many ways to say "same as before only with a different surname and less sex".  Obviously, I exclude the sex bit if it's inappropriate, like when I'm talking to parents and grandparents,  and in front of my boss since he cornered me at the Christmas party, asking when I was getting divorced.

As we speak mental husband is upstairs on the internets picking out a gift for our wedding anniversary.  Sometimes he is very lovely.

Friday, 27 January 2012

Moving on...

As I've now been married for over four months, and haven't actually posted a blog entry for ages here - mainly because I'm not a mentalist bride anymore, I've decided to create another blog mostly to chronicle my unsuccessful attempts at losing the post wedding weight, and probably other mental thoughts that go through my head.

If anyone is interested, you can find me here:


Thank you all for following me, reading my musings and your lovely comments.  I hope you'll like my new place.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

2.5 months later

Surely, I should be over the wedding blues by now.  In a way I am.  I'm glad I don't have the stress of it all anymore.  I don't have to think about table plans and decorations and argue with family members about their chavvy offspring's attendance.  I've not repaired my relationship with my brother or his brood of Buckfast swillers, and I don't think I ever will.  I'm polite and civil for the sake of my parents, but that's as far as it goes.   I don't have to worry about fitting into my dress( which is a good thing because I've gained so much weight since the wedding that my "fat jeans" don't fit anymore.

But... thinking back on the day - and although it was amazing - I feel let down.  There was no fuss on the morning of the wedding.  No champagne (well there was but I had to buy it and pour it and I was the only one drinking any), no strawberries, no sense that I was preparing for something special.  Just me runinng around in my dressing gown trying to make it special and it falling flat.  I just felt like nobody was interested.   Maybe it was my fault.  I'm so independent that I just made decisions on my own and did everythng and maybe that divorced my parents and my bridesmaids but they could have made some kind of effort.   Or is the special, fun getting ready thing just something that happens in tv or the movies?

Then after the wedding, my bridesmaids abandoned me.  I didn't see them again.  My maid of honour spent the rest of the night outside the function room, getting drunk with her sisters, and smoking.  My junior bridesmaids largely stayed out there too.  My other bridesmaid got changed out of her dress.   I had to figure out how to use the toilet by myself because there was nobody to help.  One friend helped, but I couldn't ask her all night!

We got the photos back.  Our album is amazing.  But somehow my mum managed to avoid being in most of the photos.  She's disappointed and I am too.  Again, it feels like she just wasn't interested enough to take any kind of role.

I was disappointed with my dress.  In all the photos you can see my bra straps.  I asked the seamstress to do something about it and she ignored me.    I'm disappointed that I didn't look more pretty or beautiful.  Just me in a dress with messy hair because the wind destroyed it.

Our album though.  It's brilliant.  It's like a storybook.   I have to physically restrain my husband from showing it to everyone.  Really.  I caught him showing the bloke who came to read the meter!!  I think he's proud of it.

Sigh.  The wedding achieved everything it was meant to.  I'm happily married to the love of my life, the day was great and good fun, but I think if I had to do it again I'd have gone in with lower expectations.  And chosen different bridesmaids.  

Saturday, 15 October 2011

so now that its all over...

Everyone just expects me to forget about it and never mention it again.   It's like it didn't happen and I'm actually getting to the stage where I'm embarrassed if someone wants to see the photos. I keep saying "Just tell me if you're bored by these".   And it's not like I'm a wedding bore.  I'm not still going on about it all the time.  But sometimes I do mention it.  For example, the other day it was my dad's birthday.  Now, I really don't know why I bother with my dad on his birthday but I always do.  I make the effort.  I buy him a gift which he'll make a comment about and give to my arsehole of a brother in front of me.  He's incredibly ungrateful.  But anyway, we drove out there, some family members were around, my dad barely looked at his gift (a mug chosen by my gorgeous husband and a hamper of foods he really likes)  except to ask if I'd got it in a jumble sale.  Didn't even take it out of the gift bag ffs.  Sigh.  But enough about my rude father, and back to the point which is that I  said to one of my nieces "I've got a really great photo of you and your dad at the wedding on facebook." Now, it wasn't meant as an "I GOT MARRIED!!" (although asking about our honeymoon or something would have been nice from any of them - I asked about yout holiday, so at least ask about mine!!),  my intention was just that I had this really great photo, and since none of them are on my facebook, did they want a copy.  All I got was an eye roll, and a rapid subject change.  So, ok.  I know we can't talk about it forever, but it was the first time I'd seen any of them since the wedding and they could have at least acknowledge it happened cause I was starting to wonder if I imagined it.

Then there are the other people getting married.  I have no bad feelings about the girls on the wedding site getting married - I love looking at their photos, in some cases I'm really excited for them and I love seeing the plans that we've all discussed for so long coming to life.   But there are other cases where I've been really huffy - 2 in particular.  One was a girl I was at school with who got married in the same place as me a few weeks later, and the other was a girl who got engaged at Christmas and totally eclisped my proposal and wedding plans because everyone was more interested in her plans.  In both cases, I was quite pleased that my dress was nicer.  I'm such a bitch, but it just made me feel so much better.

I'm slowly getting over the post-wedding blues, although I am still sad that it's all over.  I made myself pack up my veil and put it away and when I'm ready my dress will be cleaned and packed away, then it really will be in the past.    I know that life does go on after it all and there will be many more happy moments but....I really loved my wedding and I wish I could hold onto that specail feeling for just a bit longer.   

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

And so normality resumes

We're back from honeymoon and I'm gutted.   I feel really sad and low.  It was such a great day and we're not going to be able to do it again.   I look at my dress and I'm sad that I wont wear it again.   I'll never feel that special again.  I'm not a bride.  We're not honeymooners.  We're just another married couple.

We've opened our cards and presents.   We've unpacked the souvenirs from honeymoon.   There are boxes of stuff from the wedding lying around taunting me with their weddingness.  My bouquet is twinkling at me but will not be carried again.  My sparkly, lovely veil will be packed away unless I'm lucky enough to ever have a daughter who will wear it (It's unlikely that we'll be able to have children so this is a bit of  long shot, and even if we did, would she really want an old veil).  Our champagne flutes will be in the back of a cupboard. 

So, a whole year of planning, over in the blink of an eye. What now?

People say to concentrate on being married but...it's not changed anything.  I'm still me,  husband is still husband and having a bit of paper has just given us some extra security and the same last name.   It's not sprinkled magic fairy dust on things.  I'll still be messy and grumpy and husband will still spend too much time on football manager. 

And the bitching has started already.  My brother giving my dad a hard time thinking he paid for the wedding (he didn't, we did).  My brother in law making bitchy comments about my parents buying us a bigger house.  When you've worked hard to pay for things and save, and trust me, save we did - our wedding was paid for by us alone, no loans,  no credit card balance - it really grates that nobody believes we did it. 

I'll just have to focus on getting our house decorated.  At least that's a new project.