Wednesday, 25 May 2011

After the storm...

...comes the ash cloud.  Thankfully I'm not flying away anywhere so don't have to worry, but some of the ladies on the wedding forum are and they're understandably panicking.    Kind of puts things into perspective a bit.

Things have started moving a little, since my last post and our complaint.   We have sample invitations.  And the manager of our venue phoned H2B and did some apologising.  Later the same day the woman we've been dealing with called me to set up a menu tasting.  That was awkward.  She knew we'd complained about her.  I knew we'd complained about her but neither of us mentioned it.  It was a conversation peppered with forced "lovely"s and "brilliant"s.  The manager said that she was so good she'd been made a full time event planner.  Which begs the question, so good at what?  Cause if it's not answering emails and stressing me out, she's amazing!  No, no, mad bride.  You must be nice to the 12 year old event planner and not bridezillay!

The stress has died down but sadly, my stress related eating hasn't entirely vanished.  I'm currently a one woman soldier ant, if those are the ants which consume everything in their path.  Still. my first dress fitting isn't for another....2.5 months.  Oh my god!!!  Please let me stop eating everything!!!!!!   I'll stop.  Really.  I will.  After this flapjack biscuit.  And maybe a ripple when I get home. 

While I'm still ranting:  My mother.  I'm avoiding her.  Not because I don't like her, although I'm not keen on her cooking and she keeps issuing dinner invitations including the latest hilarious one:

My Mum:  I'm not feeling well....(enter list of symptoms and 30 minutes gushing  about the latest baby born in our family who is the ugliest thing ever!) you want to come for your dinner?
Me:  No.  You're not well and in no state to cook.
 My Mum: Well we've got food in the freezer.  You could cook your own dinner.
 Me: Yeah.  I can do that here.

 So why am I avoiding her?  Oh god.  It's her mother of the bride outfit.  I can't remember if I've complained about this already.  If I have skip this background.  Ok.  She saw a nice outfit in Debenhams.  My dad got all scrooge mcdad on her and put her off it, even though he'd give me the money.  I offered to take her shopping.  She went out without me and bought another outfit and didn't like it so took it back.  I offered again to take her shopping - she said in a month or 2.  In the meantime I've been scouring the internets looking for something that wont clash with my bridesmaids and will suit my dad's shallow pockets.  I found something really lovely and sent her the link.  She refuses to look at it.  I give up.  She can come in shocking pink zebra print for all I care.

Days til the wedding: 109
 Level of madness:  Not too bad, aside from my bloody mother.

Sunday, 22 May 2011


As there has been no response from crappy, rubbish venue I've been getting a bit antsy.  Especially as H2B has gone over to the dark side.  I don't mean that he's dressed as Darth Vader or doing heavy breathing ( well there was a bit of that, but as this is not that type of blog, we'll move swiftly on).  He's stomping about darkly muttering about there being no wedding.  Dark muttering is normally my territory, so I'm a bit lost on what to do when my role is usurped.  I can't possibly be rational can I?  So I've been employing distraction techniques. 

So far today I've taken my jewellery out and looked at it.  I actually found a necklace I'd forgotten I had so I'm quite pleased.  Where did phantom necklace come from anyway?  I don't remember it!  Did two of my other necklaces breed and create this one?  I tried on my tiara.  Not a great look with my tracky bottoms, bra and uncombed hair.  I think it's a look that will rock the bridal world.  This time next year all the brides will be doing it!

 I had a little cry, then a bigger one, when I realised I'd cried off all the pricey moisturiser I'd applied 2 minutes before I burst into tears for no apparent reason.  Then I turned into a giant termite and ate the contents of the kitchen.  That'll help with the wedding dress doing up then.  Back onto the diet and into the gym tomorrow.  Sigh.

I was trying to distract myself by convincing myself I wanted a dress for the night do bit, but the ladies who post with me on a forum for other mental brides (It's the only place where they understand dammit!!) have persuaded me to spend the money elsewhere.  Curse them and their sensible advice!!  So instead I purchased 3 pairs of earrings.  I needed them.  Really.  I couldn't decide.  I can't possibly know til I try it with my dress, so I needed all 3.  What if I only bought one pair and discovered they clashed?

Now that I can't eat any more food (there's only fruit left) and I can't spend any more money (don't have any) I'm comforting myself with ways I can mess it up if it all goes ahead.

1.  I could fall going down the aisle.  Not so far-fetched.  During my graduation, I was first of my course up on the stage.  That's not because I had the best mark, but because my name came first alphabetically.  I cleverly managed to lose my shoe and stumbled while I was climbing the stairs.  I'm assured that nobody noticed.  I think they'd notice if it was my wedding.  I'd probably take my dad with me and break his hip.  My wedding would go down in history as the wedding where the bride crushed her father!!

2.  Oooh this is bad.  I could let a massive loud fart slip out during the ceremony.    Again with the form.  I am ashamed to admit that I did the first trump of our relationship.  It just slipped out.  I got tired of waiting for  for my future husband who was then my boyfriend to leave so I could let the trapped gas out.  H2B would find it hilarious - but he's very much of the opinion that farts are funny.  I'm not sure my mum would be impressed though, and I'd turn a bright beetroot shade.  Oh the shame!!

3. I think I might spill my dinner down my dress.  This is based on previous form too.  I once went to a very posh work event, as the date of a friend.  This event involved wearing a ballgown and being a bit posh.  As soon as the meal was served I managed to drop my fork, splattering the front of my dress with gravy.  I had to stay like that all night.  Thankfully it was a financial services event so everyone in attendance was too drunk on the free bar/coked up to notice.  The dress was ruined.  Thankfully I wasn't overly keen on it anyway.  I don't think the friend who advised me to buy it had my best interests at heart.

I can think of thousands more but I think I've had enough humiliation for now. 

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Crappy, rubbish hotel

I know I promised to post about nice things but....

I need to rant again.  I just have to.  You see, it's our venue.  We looked at a few venues (well 3) in our price range before deciding on the one we chose.  The first was a local hotel and it was dire.  It was dark, and gloomy and filled with bad plastic plants and torn table linen.  It was also right next to the kitchen and all we heard for the 10 minutes we stayed in that venue (9 of them to be polite) was the microwave dinging.

The second venue was also local.  It was an arts centre, but it looked like a swimming pool and I didn't like the idea of getting married on a stage.  People will look at me!!

The third was a big hotel well known for its weddings.  H2B loved it because some people he knows worked there and I liked it becausse of the sweeping driveways, bar in the room and space for a ceilidh.  We couldn't find bad reviews and even though it was expensive, we decided to go for it and get married on a Sunday.  Sundays are cheaper you see.

I really, really wish we hadn't bothered.  Since we paid the deposit (muppets), they've been crap.  Crapper than crap.  Crapper than the little deposits that H2B leaves on the side of the toilet (how hard is it to go in the actual water?).  As we seem to be cursed, the first co-ordinator went off on long term sick leave.  Co-incedentally, so did our solicitor when we were buying our house.  Is there something about dealing with me that means people go off sick when forced to deal with me?  I'm actually quite nice, and not a scary dragon.  Anyway, the hotel didn't tell us about that, and it took a couple of weeks.  Then we got a nice, shiny new co-ordinator, who was all of 6 years old.  Am I just getting old?  She had a contract for us.  Only it was the wrong contract and I had to correct her.  Then I had to chase her for half a month to find out how much I needed to pay.  Obviously I was chasing her by email and telephone, not actually chasing her.  I have images of her running around the hotel grounds, me chasing her with a contract in hand.  It has the Benny Hill music behind it.

They said they'd get in contact 4 months before the wedding.  It's now 3 and a half and we haven't heard.  We've complained to the manager and I await their response.  Possibly in 6 years.  Which will be good, because our invitations might just be ready by then.

 Arrrgh, don't they know I'm a stressed bride.  I was stressed out enough about the invitations.  Stressed enough to warrant a dominos pizza.  I don't need any more grey hairs thank you and I certainly can't take another pizza.  My jeans wouldn't fit and I'll have nothing to wear.  And I have no money for any more because I've given it all to a rubbish venue who haven't mastered the art of emailing yet.  Just fucking tell me stuff!!! 

I can honestly see why people get on roofs with sniper's rifles.  I swear if they don't respond to this complaint, I will go down there, kidnap the events team and beat them until they organise my fucking wedding like they're supposed to.  I just want a room, and some chairs and some food and some wine.  That's it. That's all they're in charge of.   How hard can it be?

Anything else want to go wrong?  Please don't.  If I get any more wedding related hassle, I'll be found quivering in a corner, sobbing and painting with my own poo.   Why didn't we just go to a registry office and then tell everyone afterwards?

Thankfully H2B has just made me smile by fraping my facebook profile with the following "I'm a gooey lovey-dovey girly girl.  I wuv my H2B soo much".  

I'm turning into a proper bridezilla!!

Days til the wedding (if the hotel haven't forgotten we've booked): 113
Level of madness:  High.  Very high.  Almost volcanic. I'm threatening to beat people up ffs!!

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Invitation worries

You know that post about the royal wedding I did?  The one where I said a friend was doing our invitations and it was a good thing.  Well, I withdraw that statement.

Let me explain.  We'd originally had an offer from my line manager at work.  Her partner is a professional printer and she offered his services for the princely sum of a bottle of alcamohol and some biscuits.  So H2B asked his brother to draw something.  His brother is an artist (of piss-artist variety mainly).  H2B and his brother don't really get on, so this was a bad idea from the start.  A week or so later, when my future brother in law didn't even start H2B engaged a work colleague and his friend B. to make our invites.  As she supposedly has a side business, it didn't seem like too much of a gamble.

Fast forward a couple of months. She said she'd get us some samples ready by a certain date.  That date came and went, followed by what is now 4 weeks.   I asked H2B to politely move her along a bit because I want the invitations out in June.  Never mind June actually, I'd settle for them going out before the wedding because at over a month to produce one, she's going to have 3 completed by our wedding.  Which is great.  We'll just invite a maximum of 6 people.  Clearly she's trying to save us money.

So H2B passed the message on along with saying it was ok if it was too much for her.  Her response?  Was it "Oh I'm so sorry for the delay, I've been busy with the kids and work and I'll have something for you by the end of the week?"  Noooo.  Perhaps she admitted it was too much and apologised, leaving us free to find another option.  Nope.  Not that either.

Now prepare yourselves, my lovely readers.  This is great if you're not me.  Apparently I'm wrong to want my invitations to go out three months before my wedding.  I shouldn't be doing it until 2 months.  I'm sorry, did I ask your opinion on my wedding?  I didn't realise you were the queen of wedding etiquette.  I'll just bow to your greater knowledge shall I?  After all you've done this already.

Arrgh.   Yes, 3 months isn't standard, but neither is our wedding.  Its on a Sunday.  People will need some notice to get a day off on Monday.  We have people coming from as far as Australia.  They'll need notice too.  We're not inviting all the family children, so their parents will need to decide whether to find childcare and come, or not to attend, in which case, we'll need time to invite someone from the reserve list.  The hotel close the cheap room rate 6 weeks before the wedding, so say we wait til 2 months (we'll call it 9 weeks).  I post the invitations on Monday.  The post isn't delivered until Wednesday or Thursday.  So 8 weeks.  The person opens it post work, reads it and sets it aside.  7 weeks.  They look at it again but need to decide what they're doing/can afford to do.  6 weeks.  They mean to phone the hotel and keep forgetting.  5 weeks.  Cheap rate gone.

Now, if this was the first time she'd passed comment on my wedding, I would still be cross, but I could probably let it go.  It's not.  Back when we first started wedding planning, I was agonising over bridesmaids.  Apparently I picked too many because the top table is too big now.  It's my top table!!  If I want every fucking wedding guest seated at it, that's what I'll do.   Same with my invitations.  If I want them out 10 years in advance, made of ancient Egyptian papyrus, written in ink made from the blood of virgins and delivered by rare butterflies, then that's what I get.  She may privately think I'm crazy, she may think I'm wrong, but she will keep her mouth shut and nod and smile and just fucking do it!  Because I'm the bride!

To make matters worse, H2B has also engaged her to make painted wine glasses for our placenames.  I'm not sure how she'll do that if we have no fecking invitations, because how will we know which names to paint?

As it happens I've not made any demands, except to get some invitations to look at before my wedding.  I'm not much of a bridezilla but she's making me crazy.  Honestly,  I'm getting to the stage where I just want to invite everyone though facebook just so she'll piss off.

And breathe.....

Tomorrow, I should get my wedding necklaces.  They're waiting in the sorting office for redelivery.   That's a good thing.

Days until the wedding (not that it matters as nobody will get an invitation anyway): 115
Level of madness:  High, but I think it's justified.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

4 months

Absolutely no progress but today is exactly 4 months to the wedding!!!!

In my office, we've worked out that one my colleagues of the same name and I are going to have the same last initial.  This is confusing to some people - they already mix us up.  But then again, I was talking to a consultant for a big software firm and he was amazed that 2 people in our very large organisation could have the same last name, so nothing should surprise me about how easily confused some people are. 

On the wedding front, I'm distracting myself by looking at pretty jewellery.  I've seen some very pretty necklaces on ebay.  Is it just me and my dirty mind or does everyone give a childish snigger when typing "Pearl necklace" into ebay!!  It's like I have Beavis and Butthead in my brain giggling away when anyone says anything vaguely double entendre-ish. 

Anyway, I've seen 3 or 4 necklaces I like from blingy to rather plain, and I have no idea which will go with my dress.  I can't even peek because my dress is living at my parents house, as H2B will have a peek otherwise.  Can I buy them all please?  Pretty pretty please?
Days to the wedding: 123 (4 months!!!)
Level of madness:  Thankfully off-boiling point now.  I'm just moderately mad. 

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Fed up now

Really, really fed up with this whole wedding thing now.

We've got just over 4 months to go and we're still in the same place we were 2 months ago.  Oh no, wait! We've chosen a song for me to walk down the aisle to. Well I say we.  I liked it and asked H2B and he showed the same amount of interest that he shows in everything wedding related, including me, i.e. none.  So I took that as a yes.  This is my song.

I've asked him to take dance lessons because I'm afraid of the first dance, and he's refused because that would take valuable time away from his computer.

His friend is making the invitations for free which is really nice of her, but I'm freaking out because I have no control over it and if they're horrible, I can't just say so.  And ideally, I'd have them now, but she hasn't even made samples.  They need to go out next month and she hasn't made one of them yet!!!  And I know it's a favour and everything and really nice of her but I'm panicking.

My bridesmaids are also showing no interest.   Not even in organising a hen night.  Plus I've had to order a new dress for my MOH, but I'm under strict instructions from my mother not to tell her because it'll upset her delicate feelings that she's not a size 10 anymore.  I've not been a size 10 since I was 16 and I'm not crying over it!!  This new dress has pushed me over budget on the bridesmaid's dresses.  The shoes also ordered in her size, don't fit her either because she's clearly a size bigger.  And she doesn't like the shrug either.   Plus, she's been posting on facebook that she wants to climb Ben Nevis in the same month.  I know I can't ask her not to, but it's just another thing that's annoying me.  She's meant to be supporting me through this and instead she's pissing off up mountains and making me over budget and I feel guilty that I'm getting married and ruining people's plans because she might not get to do it the weekend her friends are, and my brother is worried that my wedding will clash with his trip to New Zealand for rugby and might have to change his flights.

I am just feeling really low and alone.  I think my dress will look horrible, that my photos are going to make me look fat, that everyone else's weddings are going to be better than mine, and that mine is just going to be a total disaster because nobody but me cares about it and that if H2B would ever drag himself away from the computer and show some interest, I might feel a smidgen better.

I'm actually tired of talking about it.

Fuck it.  I'm off to eat my bodyweight in chocolate.

Days til the disaster of epic proportions wedding: 126
Level of madness:  High enough to want to run away to a convent.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

More wedding type weight stuff

Right so!  As my chest is no longer full of gunk, I have no excuse not to at least try to get my fat arse off the couch and onto the treadmill and so that's what I've been doing.  Junk food, and eating between meals is now banned, except for weekends where all bets are off.  I'm doing zumba.  My arms hurt, my stomach muscles scream everytime I move.  This better be worth it.

Why am I even doing this?  Future husband says he likes my body as it is.  He did mention something about more cushion for the pushin' and lovehandles before I threatened to smother him in his sleep, but he's a skinny man so we'll ignore him.  On a realistic note, I know I'm never going to be Kate Moss.  I'm already a healthy weight, so why do I find the need to strive towards a perfect set of abs (never gonna happen) or arms free of the dreaded bingo wings (again with the not happening thing)?  Photos.  Curse the photos.  I don't want to look back in them and see flabby arms or a beer gut, or my 500 chins.  Trouble is, even if I do manage to suddenly be all thin and model like (say there's a magic pill), I'm still going to look a bit special in the photos.  Even my best photos make me look like I have learning difficulties.

Plus, as always temptation is lurking around every corner.  Was it Oscar Wilde who said "I can resist anything but temptation".  Right there with you, big man.  Last week when I was being bad = no junk food in the workplace.  Today when I'm being good = cookies, cakes and security guards bearing cream cakes. 

Arrrrrgghhh.  Why couldn't I just have the good genetics?