Sunday, 31 July 2011


Yesterday, I was meeting a friend for lunch in town.  On the way there, I walked past a hotel.  In the doorway were one or two very well dressed wedding guests and outside,  a piper.  I got a shiver up my spine and my first flash of wedding nerves as I realised that in 6 weeks, that would be us.

Sadly, due to the complete fuckwits that I have the misfortune to share a blood link with, I've been unable to enjoy it.

It started with a "regrets" from a friend.  I needed to find someone to replace her (we pay for 75 whether they're there or not).  I made what in hindsight is the biggest mistake ever, and asked my mum if she thought it would be a good idea to invite my aunts daughter as her plus one.  Since my aunt's husband left her for another woman 15 years ago she has rapidly become a proper, proper mental who spends her days running around after a very spoiled and highly strung dog.  Anyway, at the last family party, I attempted to engage her in conversation.  I'm pretty chatty, but even I gave up after a very painful 2 minutes, so I thought it would be helpful to invite someone she could talk to.  But even that wasn't simple.   She has a 13 year old son.  I enquired whether perhaps the 13 year old could stay at his dad's or with a friend.  Apparently he can't leave his mother's side so, as there had been another person unable to come, I (reluctantly) conceeded that he could come.  My mother conveyed this to my aunt.  Who then said " well, she has a boyfriend now...".  No!!  No! No! No! No!  He's not coming too.  If I conceed on that I'll end up having to invite his granny's hamster.  .Since I said no, they've been distinctly unclear on whether any of them are bloody coming.  Just say yes or no for fuck's sake.   I don't really want either of you there so if you don't come I wont cry over it.

Then my brother decided that I clearly wasn't stressed enough.  He has 5 kids.  All of them are Jeremy Kyle fodder but the youngest, phew.  He was the result of a short-lived failed marriage and my brother didn't see him until he was 15.   He's 16 or 17 now.  I've seen him once for about 5 minutes since he was a baby.  That being the case, I considered an evening invitation the best compromise (and I didn't even want to do that - this kid spent time in Young Offenders for his fire starting and thieving ways- he even set fire to my brother's house - his partner hates him).  On Friday, I got a text from my brother informing me that A. (his son) had not got his invitation.  I responded that that might be because the evening invites haven't gone out yet.  They haven't even been made yet, but that's another issue for another post.  He then asked why he was the only member of his family not to have been invited.  I responded that a. I can't pick him out in a line-up, b.  we're restricted for numbers and c.  it costs £65 each for additional day guests and we can't afford it.  A few whining texts later and he seemed to get it.  I got on with my work.

A few hours later, I got another text saying that they weren't happy that A wasnt invited all day because they are a familly, and if  I didn't pay for him to come, then none of them were coming.  I got so angry.  How dare he try to hold me to ransom like that.  I didn't tell him who to invite to either of his weddings.  I didn't throw a fit when I wasn't even invited to his son's wedding, and I've never brought up the fact that he hasn't even said thank you or sorry to me, for blowing my Highers, because I had to constantly babysit his other children and didn't have time to study.  I did keep my cool though.  I returned his text saying "Sorry you feel that way" and enquiring if that included him and his partner.  He said he still wanted to come to see his wee sister get married.  So errrm, not that much of a fucking family then.  I wouldn't mind if they were close, but they're not.  His partner can't stand A and wants nothing to do with him, all the kids moved out as soon as they turned 16, and I couldn't leave the invitations at his house, because they'd never get them.

I have no objections to them not coming.  They're a bunch of chavs and I'm glad I don't have to worry about them turning my wedding into the Jeremy Kyle show.  I have objections to the fit throwing, demands and tantrums over someone who is, essentially, a stranger to me.

How dare they try to tell me who to invite!!

Days to the wedding: 42 (or 6 weeks)
Level of madness:  Relatively normal given the circumstances
Level of anger:  volcanic. Do not cross me.

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